Doggerels 1-3

Every lab has at least one resident with a penchant for rhyme, and a desire to make puns and obscure jokes using Latin terms, mathematical formulae, physical constants, or chemical equations.

Today is April Fools Day, so in honour of this, I dug up these old creations of mine, which were 'published' decades ago in an anonymous newsletter which mysteriously appeared on my colleagues' desks on the morning of April 1st. They all deal with the problem of have two people in a lab who have the same first name. The third, in which the subjects had last names indistinguishable to the English ear (changed here to protect the innocent), also mentions the intercom system in that lab, which announced our absence from our desks to the whole building with a lack of clarity that would have been the pride of any bus or train station. No answering machines then, obviously ...

1. A Ditty of a Duo of Daves

This ditty of a duo of Daves
Doubles data and wins us all raves.
Don’t worry if only one shaves
The road to Nobel is paved with Daves.

This ditty of a duo of Daves
One analyses, which is your fave?
Which dotty Dave do we all crave?
Which dorky Dave’s ditto a slave?
Which dummy Dave isn’t so brave?
Which dippy Dave's only a knave?

2. A Tale of Two Todds

Which Todd toddles? Which Todd tiddles?
Which Todd tattles? Embarrassing riddles.
If one likes fish, he’s cod Todd.
If one makes jokes, he’s odd Todd.
If one eats peas: pod Todd.
One dresses best? Mod Todd.
If one is tall Todd , is the other one short Todd?
The small one tad Todd? The big one wad Todd?
I can’t be a fraud
So I swear to God
The answer is found
In the shape of the bod.
One’s broad Todd,
The other rod Todd.

3. The Importance of Being Ernie

The intercom cries, “Telephone for Ernie Glue!
Telephone for Ernie Blue!”
So Ernest Xu and Ernest Shu
Got together at the zoo.
Said Ernie One to Ernie Two,
“This can’t go on, this just won’t do!
With all of these calls there is no clue
If it’s for me or it’s for you.
We have to work this problem through
When there’s a call for Ernie Who.”
But on and on confusion grew,
Til Ernie said, “I’ll have to sue,
Those who can’t distinguish Xu and Shu.”
Now we know that it was true
To another lab one Ernie flew.
So when we hear, “Ernie Grew,”
We know they must mean Ernie Shu.